


July the Twelfth

by nextdoorneighbor



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Bullying, Depression, Don't read if you don't want to cry I guess, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Jeno centric, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pretty much everyone who have commented said this made them cry so, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This Gets Really Dark, but there's happy times too, general sadness, the latter described only a few times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 19:35:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11812773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nextdoorneighbor/pseuds/nextdoorneighbor
Summary: Life really was hell back in high school.Jeno and Renjun talk about Jeno's past and Renjun understands the hard way that life isn't always a bed of roses.Or: four hours of present time or a whole summer in the past.





	July the Twelfth

**Author's Note:**

> So, apparently I really like making Jeno suffer?? No, really, I love him with all my heart and I feel like I write him the best and also I love writing angst so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> But anyways, hello there! I don't know if I should call this a Nohyuck or a Jejun fic because they are both kind of evened out so basically if you love both the ships (like me), better for you. Also I really recommend you don't read this if you get easily triggered by what is in the tags, because as someone who experiences suicidal thoughts on regular basis, almost got triggered by this (and like, I wrote this and I knew what was going to happen, and if that doesn't say anything, I don't know what does).
> 
> I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Edit: I can't believe the amount of love I have gotten for this! This is (still) under 200 hits but this is my most loved fic in the most little time and I'm overwhelmed! Thank you so much for all the nice comments and kudos and bookmarks, you are really making my day❤

”Have you had your first kiss yet?” 

It was getting really dark, and they both should have been home already, but here they were, sitting in the unfinished tree-house they always spent time in. Or on, however you want to call a plank floor and one wall that is standing proudly. 

Jeno was a little taken aback by it, as he, frankly, was not expecting that question from Donghyuck. He didn’t shift his gaze from the grass on the ground, however, not even giving a mark that he had heard the question. 

“Yeah,” he said, and he was lying through his teeth. “You?” It was a simple conversation, just like any other between them. They never had small talk, ever, they both despised it. 

Donghyuck scoffed on his side and the floorboards creaked under them. Wind took a hold of their hair and flung it around a few times. 

“No,” Donghyuck said and the embarrassment was evident in his voice. “No one would even want to kiss me,” he continued. 

“I would,” Jeno responded without a thought. It wasn’t a secret anymore. Donghyuck snapped his gaze at him, eyes wide as he stared in disbelief. This time Jeno looked back at him, a little smile already overtaking his lips. 

Donghyuck only scoffed again, but Jeno could see his eyes drop to his lips for just half a second. 

“Liar,” the other had said, but smiled back anyways. 

“Am I?” Jeno leaned closer just to push it, and Donghyuck looked startled as ever. A million thoughts were running through their heads as they looked into each other’s eyes.

“You are bluffing,” Donghyuck said, the smile turning into a smirk as he had no control over it anymore. Jeno’s heart was threatening to beat straight through his chest but so was Donghyuck’s, so they were even. 

Jeno found Donghyuck’s hand on the floor between them without even looking, and when he did, Donghyuck looked down at them. 

“What are you doing?” Donghyuck was so confused and his voice was so quiet it could have been thought as a whisper. 

“Stealing your first kiss,” Jeno said with no doubt and closed the gap between them. 

It felt funny, but at the same time it was nice. At first Donghyuck had been backing away as Jeno had pressed forward, but soon the boy had realized that that was getting them nowhere and stopped moving backwards. 

Jeno remembers Donghyuck’s free hand coming up to the side of his head when the kiss had deepened, and he remembers them pulling away and sitting backs against the lonely wall and Donghyuck’s head coming to lean against his shoulder. 

What he doesn’t remember, however, is what they had said after that, and it bothers him. He tries to remember but he never does. 

 

;;;

 

“That’s so cute,” coos Renjun, who’s pressed against his side on the bed they are laying on. The room is dim since it’s the middle of the night and the only light that is on is the dying floor lamp in the corner of the room. 

Jeno loves reliving that memory the most, even if it was the turning point in their lives where it really started to go down the hill. He smiles down at his boyfriend as he presses a kiss on his head. Renjun giggles softly, revealing his crooked teeth Jeno loves so much. 

“Yeah, at that time, it was,” Jeno says with a grin and presses Renjun closer to himself. “Not so much what happened after.” 

“What happened then?” The interest is bright in Renjun’s eyes as he lifts himself on his one hand. 

“That’s a story for another time. Aren’t you sleepy? It’s two in the morning.” Jeno grins and looks away. 

“No. We’ve been talking for three hours straight, don’t you go leaving me on a cliffhanger like that!” Renjun is hitting him playfully as Jeno turns away to shield himself, a light giggle escaping the both of them at the play fight. Jeno makes sure to pin Renjun against the bed to make him stop but they giggle still. “Tell me,” he insists as he stares up at Jeno. 

“It’s not a bedtime story, Injunnie. I’d rather not.” He drops the smile and lets go of his boyfriend. He sits up and turns away but Renjun is quick to hang himself off his shoulders after that. 

“You never talk to me about that time of your life,” he whispers into his ear. “I just want you to know that you can tell me anything, however ugly or pretty the truth may be.” Jeno turns to look at his boyfriend, and finds him smiling softly at him, fingers smoothing down his wrinkled up shirt. 

It takes him a moment of really staring at Renjun before nodding. He’s sure he can trust the other. 

“Okay,” he says with a long inhale. He settles back down onto the bed and Renjun goes back to laying on his side, only now his head in the middle of Jeno’s chest, right over his heart. Jeno sets one of his hands between his head and the pillow, the other coming to massage Renjun’s scalp, and he lets his eyes fall shut. “Donghyuck was bullied at school.”

 

;;;

 

“Loser!” 

Jeno quickened his pace to running. He let his bag drop to the ground as he got closer to the crowd of boys at the school yard. It was well past five in the evening and he had seen this scene unfold far too many times after school to not do anything about it. 

He was fuming and he pushed himself through in the middle, where he saw Donghyuck on the ground and some other boy with red hair on top of him. The crowd was cheering for the redhead on top of Donghyuck as they fought. Jeno was quick to take the boy’s shoulders and pull him away from his friend, the other boys stopping their chant as he helped Donghyuck up from the ground. 

“What are you doing?” Rage was evident in Donghyuck’s face and voice when he blew up at Jeno. He knew the other didn’t mean to, so he didn’t answer and only pushed the other behind his back to shield him. 

“Little boyfriend came to rescue, huh?” The redhead mocked. “Fag.” Jeno could feel Donghyuck’s want to crush the boy talking, but he kept him back. 

“Leave him alone,” Jeno had tried, feeling the anger rise in himself, too, as the crowd blew up into laughter. “He’s not worth your time.” 

“Oh yeah?” The redhead had asked as he came closer threateningly. “Are you, then?” 

And before Jeno even knew it, he was on the ground, spitting out blood from the force the redhead’s fist had met his cheek. He barely registered the cheers of the other boys as he was kicked out of the air in his lungs from the redhead’s leg hitting his stomach. 

He had been beaten before, a lot of times, so this was nothing new. It was better than let them beat Donghyuck again. So he bore it, took every blow without a protest. 

He didn’t know how long they found it funny, he never found out, but what he knew was that it took him twenty minutes to realize the quiet weeping from his side as he laid there, not able to move. 

He had opened his eyes, them taking a long time to get used to the light of the setting sun before he saw Donghyuck sitting there, crying into his hands. He was unharmed, and that had been the only thing that mattered to Jeno. He got up with difficulty, but he did, getting his bag and then limping to Donghyuck. 

“Hey,” he had said and the other looked up at him. He offered his hand to pull the other up but when he had tried, Donghyuck had found himself falling back onto his ass with a yell of pain from Jeno. Donghyuck got up on his own after that. 

Donghyuck put Jeno’s hand around his neck and so they were off and going home after that. Jeno’s stomach and chest were sore from the kicks and his head was pounding with headache but he was content with this. At least it wasn’t Donghyuck in his shoes. 

“Your mom is gonna kill you when you get home,” Donghyuck said, his jaw set but cheeks still striped with the dried tears. 

“Well,” Jeno started off but ended up spitting out a blood when there was nothing else in his mouth again. “Your mom would throw you out if you came home looking like I do now,” he let out bitterly. It was an unspoken fact that it would just be worse to be thrown out than be killed at this point. 

Maybe that’s how they were so close; they thought the same. They were having a damn hard time back then and no one else was there to listen. 

“You might be right,” Donghyuck had laughed even if he didn’t feel like it. Donghyuck’s laugh was the best thing in the world. It was brighter than anything and when it was genuine, it made Jeno’s day. 

“Thank you.” It had hovered in the air for a while before Jeno even reacted to it. 

“It’s nothing, Hyuck,” he said back with an ease but he knew the other valued it. His mother really would have thrown him out. 

When Jeno got home his mother was waiting for him. She yelled at him for what felt like the whole night–which it probably was–and then sent him to his room, telling him he was grounded for the next month. He never talked back to his mother, he knew it was useless and would lead to nothing. So he listened to it all and took what came like he always did. 

It was nothing new, and he was used to it, so let it be. He always let it be, and later he understood that maybe he shouldn’t have. 

 

;;;

 

“Why didn’t you tell her that you had to do it?” Renjun is beaming at him, clearly having no clue what it is when you get shouted at at home every other night. 

“She wouldn’t have listened to me,” Jeno tries to explain again but he knows it’s pointless. 

Renjun’s family is perfect. His parents never fight and Renjun and his siblings seem to be multi-talented and in their ‘right mind’ so to say. Renjun will never get it, and maybe that’s for the better. 

Renjun nods, face serious. 

“Wasn’t she diagnosed with a mental illness later, though?” Renjun drops his gaze when he finds Jeno’s collar more interesting, his hand coming up to play with it. It’s almost funny how he says it so nonchalantly, like the whole thing hadn’t ruined Jeno’s whole childhood. 

“Yeah… Bipolar disorder,” he mumbles when he rakes his mind for the name. The thought of his mother reminds him of visiting her grave; he needs to take new flowers there. 

His hand is still petting Renjun’s hair even though he has turned now, half lying on top of Jeno so their chests are touching. 

“I’m sorry if this is being too much on you.” Their gazes meet, and Jeno can’t but smile at his boyfriend. Of course it hurts to think back to high school times, but Renjun deserves to know. Jeno has been hinting at his past a lot, but it comes almost naturally. It’s a big part of him, and sometimes the feelings from those times come back to haunt him. They come back to mock him. 

“It’s fine, it’s time for you to know anyways,” he says and pets his cheek instead of his hair. Renjun smiles warmly and Jeno mirrors the expression. “Come here.”

Renjun slots their lips together when Jeno tugs him closer. The kiss is lazy and loose, and when they pull away Renjun pulls a disgusted face at the wet smack. Jeno can’t but laugh as he looks at him.

“I love you,” he says, pulling Renjun’s attention back to his eyes from his mouth. 

“I love you, too,” he tells him back and grins. 

 

;;;

 

Donghyuck was laughing all too loud for them to be studying, but so was Jeno, so maybe it wasn’t that bad. They were lying on Donghyuck’s bed, not a single textbook even taken out from their backpacks. 

Why couldn’t this be everyday? Just them and laughter, no worries in the world. Jeno could never understand people who didn’t have anything to worry about. He didn’t understand how they never found themselves in a dark room, alone, thinking about anything and everything wrong with the world. 

Maybe those people were the ones with money and a big house. Maybe those people were the ones whose parents didn’t hit or yell at them and understood them. Maybe they were the ones who didn’t get bullied at school. 

“Jeno?” He returned to the moment when he realized he was staring at Donghyuck, and the other was staring at him. They were lying on their backs, shoulders touching as they were. 

Donghyuck was beautiful, he had thought, the most beautiful thing in the world.

When Jeno had placed his hand onto Donghyuck’s neck, he hadn’t resisted, and when Jeno pulled the other into a kiss, he hadn’t resisted. They had been there for quite a while and Jeno was still not sure if it were a dream.

“Hyuck,” he said but the other didn’t answer. They didn’t open their eyes, already knowing that this would continue. “I think I like you a lot,” he confessed and felt Donghyuck smile. 

“Well, that’s a relief,” he remembers the other had said, and they had giggled again. Donghyuck gripped the front of Jeno’s shirt and pulled him back in. 

It had escalated to Jeno being half on top of Donghyuck when their Cloud Nine had crumbled down. 

First it had been Donghyuck forcefully pushing him away from him, and when Jeno had had enough of confusion, he had noticed that they were alone no longer. It was Donghyuck’s mother at the door, staring at them like they were the scum of the world. 

Jeno’s heart had picked up on it’s beating at that. Donghyuck’s mother wasn’t the nicest one of them all either, and apparently she also was homophobic. There was nothing they could do about it when she had started to yell at them. However much Jeno tried to tell her that it was his fault wouldn’t repair what was broken at that moment. 

They were chased all the way to the front door, and Jeno could see how afraid Donghyuck had been at that moment. He can remember his face. 

“Keys,” he remembers her simple request like it happened yesterday, hand stretched out at her son and jaw set. 

“Mom.” Donghyuck’s voice was shivering and pleading, eyes swimming with tears. 

“Give me the God damn keys, Lee Donghyuck!” Jeno could very well think how it must have felt like, thrown out of his own home like a sewer rat. She kicked them out like they never meant anything to her, threw their backpacks out behind them before slamming the door shut. 

It had been raining that day, more than any past days the whole summer. It had taken up to only few minutes for them to be soaked to the bone, but that was the least important of their problems then. 

Jeno had embraced the other immediately when he had started crying. It was horrible, and what made it even worse was that he knew he could do nothing to make Donghyuck feel better. 

“I am so fucking sorry,” he had spelled out multiple times but he never got an answer. He blames himself for it till this day, and he knows that so did Donghyuck, even if he also blamed himself. 

It had been dead silent when they had gotten to Jeno’s house. They were both shivering and sniffling because of the cold. Jeno found his mother in the living room, TV playing on mute and a lit cigarette in her hand as she stared at the TV screen in the otherwise dark room. 

She hadn’t been sleeping at all, Jeno knew, and she didn’t react when they walked in. Donghyuck was left to stand at the threshold of the living room as Jeno went closer, crouching down on the side of the couch. 

“Mom,” he called out silently but she wasn’t reacting; it was like they were air. “Mom,” he said again, but once again with no avail. He took a deep breath and glanced at Donghyuck behind him. He stood there like a statue, staring at Jeno’s mother like she was his last hope. “Donghyuck’s going to stay here for a while,” Jeno said, looking at her even though she was staring at the screen. “Is that okay with you?” 

He searched her a while longer for any kind of reaction but eventually gave up. He walked back to Donghyuck and pushed him gently forward in the hallway. 

“She didn’t say anything,” Donghyuck had said, worry evident in his voice and face. 

“It’s fine, Hyuck, you can stay.”

“How do you know–“

“She’s not deaf.” Jeno pulled the other into his room, dropping the conversation even if he knew Donghyuck didn’t feel welcomed to stay. He gave him dry clothes and a towel and continued, “you can change here, I’ll go to the bathroom. I’ll make us food, so if you wanna, you can come to the kitchen after that.” 

Donghyuck ended up staying a lot longer than first planned, but Jeno wasn’t against that. They had a lot more time together now. 

 

;;;

 

Renjun’s staring at him like he’s telling him the most interesting story ever. It’s closing to three AM but neither of them have to work tomorrow so it’s fine. 

“Where’s Donghyuck now?” 

And there’s the dreaded question Jeno has been waiting for. 

“I don’t know,” he answers simply, shrugging his shoulders softly as he looks away from his lover. It’s not a lie, but it’s not the truth either. 

“Have you ever thought of contacting him again?” Renjun’s pushing it, and if Jeno really tried, he could just leave him to hover in his perfect image of the world. But he decides not to; he’s going to pull Renjun down from his fool’s paradise. 

“Oh no, I go talk to him sometimes,” he says with a slight smile. He looks back at Renjun and pushes a strand of his hair behind his ear. The other frowns, not understanding. 

“So you do know where he is,” he states, head tilting as he beams at Jeno like he’s trying to solve a puzzle. The strand flings itself back onto Renjun’s face and Jeno can’t but chuckle at how cute he looks. 

“Renjun, love,” he says as normally as he can muster, keeping the smile even if he shouldn’t. “I know where he is buried.”

It takes Renjun a few moments to take the newly discovered information in. The other seemingly freezes on top of him, mouth falling open just a little bit. A little ‘o’ sound falls from his lips and he’s gaze turns soft. 

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t realize, I–“

“It’s fine,” Jeno says and pets Renjun’s cheek. “Life isn’t always perfect. People die.” He can’t keep the smile even if he wants to. His mind is taken over by the lively memory of Donghyuck. He brushes Renjun’s hair away from his face again. 

“Please, tell me he didn’t…” Renjun is hoping for it and he can’t even say it till the end. He’s sad and so is Jeno, and that’s normal, even though he wouldn’t want Renjun to ever be sad. 

“He committed suicide,” Jeno says, head feeling heavy. It’s been a while since he has been made to say it out loud. 

“Oh my God,” Renjun lets out as he lets his head fall onto Jeno’s chest. He has broken Renjun now. 

He just hugs him tighter and kisses his head. Renjun doesn’t cry, of course, he never got to meet Donghyuck, but Jeno can feel the hopelessness oozing from him. He feels bad for Renjun even if he knows that it’s him who should be pitied. 

Renjun has always been so optimistic and happy. Never in his life has he encountered something truly horrible such as death. His grandparents and all family are still alive till this day and he has never been through depression or has anyone close to him that has it. Expect for Jeno, of course. 

 

;;;

 

They were sitting on the tree house that night, backs against the wall and Donghyuck’s head leaning against his shoulder as Jeno’s was leaned on top of his. There was a sniffle from Donghyuck every two minutes, so accurate, Jeno was sure he was counting the seconds. Jeno held Donghyuck’s hands in his and they stared into nothingness together, both of their thoughts swimming in so dangerous waters they rarely talked of them. 

“Jeno,” Donghyuck’s voice was strained and he didn’t move a muscle before Jeno did. 

“Yeah?” 

Breathing was hard, but he knew he wasn’t alone. They hadn’t talked a word in the last hour, neither feeling like it. It wasn’t often they shared moments of despair like this, but this wasn’t the first time either. They knew they were thinking about the same thing. 

“Do you think it would just…” Donghyuck trailed of, squeezing Jeno’s hands in his. Jeno only turned his head a little to look down at Donghyuck. He waited quietly for the other to continue. “Would it just be easier to,” He continued but stopped again. Jeno knew what he was going to say already, and he knew his own answer, too. “Die,” he breathed out eventually, and Jeno shut his eyes. 

“Sometimes, yes,” he agreed, pulling Donghyuck closer to himself. 

“Sometimes?” There was a little pause and Jeno didn’t know what to say so he stayed quiet. “What are you thinking about now?” 

Donghyuck shifted and then lifted his head. It was dark but Jeno could still see his face so close to his. He looked away after a while, not wanting to answer the question. He knew Donghyuck knew. 

“Do you know what I was thinking about?” He was still whispering, grip on his hands tight. “We should do it together.”

“Hyuck,” Jeno automatically let out. The air around them was pressing down on them and Jeno felt like he was suffocating. He let Donghyuck cup his cheeks and turn him back so they were looking at each other again. It was a rare sight to see hope in Donghyuck’s eyes, and this was one of those moments. 

“I love you, Jeno,” he said, a smile tucking at the corner of his lips. “I’ve always loved you.” A sudden tear rolled down Jeno’s cheek and he swiped at it, now a sniffle escaping him, too. 

“No. I love you,” he gritted out. His throat hurt and his head was pounding. “I can’t lose you,” he said and Donghyuck bumped their foreheads together. 

“No, no, no, Jeno.” Donghyuck was giggling now, body coming closer to his. “You aren’t going to lose me.” Jeno sniffled again and Donghyuck pet his cheeks. “Let’s do it together. Then we’ll be together forever.” 

“No worry in the world,” he continued when his mind took a hold of Donghyuck’s and the other nodded. “Just you and me.” He opened his eyes. Donghyuck looked relieved, a beautiful smile on his face. 

“Yes,” he had said and kissed Jeno, seeming happier than in a long time. When he had pulled away he had continued, “so, will you do it with me?” 

It had taken Jeno a moment before he nodded his head. They both had laughed like they were children planning a prank and Donghyuck had kissed him again. 

“When? How?” Donghyuck groaned when Jeno pushed him away just for a little while longer. The other had climbed onto his lap, pressing him against the lonely wall of the unfinished tree house with his whole body. They were out of breath. 

“Does you mom still have those pills the doc gave her?” Donghyuck was searching his eyes, their noses brushing together. Jeno nodded his head after thinking about it a little while longer. Donghyuck smiled and brushed his cheeks with his thumbs again. “Seven days, here, same time?” 

“Yeah, okay. Alright,” Jeno stumbled with the words and then pulled Donghyuck back in again. 

He was content with his decision. 

‘’,,

Three days. Three days until it would be Sunday again. Jeno had thought about it a lot, but he couldn’t make himself regret agreeing to Donghyuck’s request. He was, frankly, done with world and everything and everyone in his life. Except Donghyuck. He would never get bored of Donghyuck. 

They both had been immensely more happy that week, more carefree than they had been in years. They skipped school and drank Jeno’s mother’s wine when she didn’t notice. They stayed up the nights and made out on the living room couch and on the kitchen table. 

They were having the time of their lives and Jeno couldn’t but just enjoy it to the maximum. 

They had gone to the local market for groceries when it had happened. It was just the two of them, Jeno’s mother still in no condition to leave the house. Jeno was worried, at this rate she would be fired from her job as a janitor at the hospital and where would she get money to get by then? She needed to live somehow when Jeno was gone.

He realized that Donghyuck wasn’t at his side anymore, and he turned back. The other was standing a few feet away, staring into one of the gaps between the high shelves. He looked like he had seen a ghost. 

Jeno got to his side and looked where Donghyuck was looking at. 

It was Donghyuck’s mother. 

She was staring right back at her son and before Jeno knew it, the other had gone to her, apologies falling from his lips. She had looked terrified, like someone with a fatal illness was going to touch her. 

They talked, and eventually hugged, Donghyuck crying in the middle of a grocery store as his mother forgave him. It had been heartwarming for Jeno, even though she hated him but that was fine, at least Donghyuck was feeling a little better. 

The other boy had ended up going home with his mother and–

 

;;;

 

“So, you never did it?” Renjun’s eyes are shining as he looks at Jeno.

“W-What?”

“The Sunday night never came and you continued your lives happily?” 

Drowsiness is taking the best of Jeno as the clock hit four in the morning. The sun is rising behind the thick dark green curtains, and Jeno only knows because there is a little light seeping through the crack where the two curtains meet in the middle. 

Hope is glinting in his boyfriend’s eyes as he lays there, legs swinging in the air. 

“No,” Jeno says and the hope is gone. 

He feels bad for Renjun; he always hopes for the best. But Jeno told him that it’s not going to be a pretty story, so Renjun should also act like it. He’s like a child Jeno has to teach to see the real world instead of the good sides of it Renjun thinks are the only reality. His faith in the world has been grumbling through the hours Jeno has talked about his past, but he still tries to be optimistic. 

“No, the Sunday night still came,” he says and Renjun is clearly holding his breath. “We went to the tree house, sat across from each other, and swallowed every other pill from the little orange can with a little water from a bottle.” 

Jeno remembers it all too clearly. Renjun is gaping at him, not believing his ears, but it’s true. Jeno looks away. 

“And after we were done, we laid down. We held each other’s hands and looked into each other’s eyes as long as we could.” 

Renjun breathing is erratic, and soon his eyes fill with tears. Jeno pets his head, but he is determined to finish what he has started. 

“I don’t know how long it took for us to lose consciousness, but I woke up in a hospital bed two days later. I remember asking about Donghyuck and not answering their questions. I wouldn’t talk to them before they gave me an answer.” 

“And Donghyuck didn’t make it,” Renjun bites out, letting himself cry on top of Jeno. 

“No,” Jeno says, hands feeling clammy but he keeps petting Renjun’s hair. “Donghyuck didn’t make it.” 

He swallows with difficulty. Remembering it all is hurting him in a way he thought he could never be hurt again. 

“You never told me you tried to kill yourself once. I never knew it could actually be that bad,” Renjun stutters out in between sobs. “Please, never think like that again,” Renjun says and looks at him. Jeno tries to smile but he doesn’t succeed that well. “I couldn’t live without you.” 

“You don’t have to worry about that. I have you now, I’m going nowhere,” Jeno reassures him, kissing his head as he sobs uncontrollably. “I’ll never leave you.”

‘’,,

When it hits five in the morning, they get up and get dressed. They get to the car and drive in the empty streets, holding hands all the way to the cemetery. 

First Jeno takes them to his mother’s grave. Renjun has been here before, so he doesn’t say anything. Jeno places some new flowers onto the grave and they stand there to respect her memory. It has been only two years since she took her own life. 

Renjun presses himself against Jeno’s side as they stand there. The wind is quite cold for it to be the summer and they search for warmth in each other. 

“Come,” Jeno tells him quietly after a while, hand coming up to clutch on Renjun’s. Donghyuck’s grave is further away, closer to the forest. It lies under a spruce that shields it from snow in the winter and from the sun on a hot summer day. 

Jeno has always thought that it would be a place Donghyuck would have wanted to be buried at. Renjun is inspecting the grave as Jeno crouches down to place more flowers onto the grave on the side to the other flowers already there – probably from Donghyuck’s mother. 

“Wait – till twelfth of July, that’s,” Renjun mumbles as Jeno settles back onto his side. “That’s today,” he breathes out and Jeno pulls him closer to himself. 

“Yeah,” he says, smiling at his boyfriend. “It’s been six years from that day today,” he says and looks back down at the grave. “But I miss him like it was yesterday.” 

He remembers when he came here all the time. To spend time mostly. Not so much anymore. 

“I – um, usually I tell him about my week or month,” Jeno says and feels a little embarrassed. Renjun looks at him but doesn’t laugh like he thought he would. “Would it be weird if I…”

“No, of course not! Go ahead. I – do you want me to go?” Renjun is biting his lip, a little puzzled. 

“No,” Jeno tells him quickly, pulling him closer to his side. “Please stay.” And Renjun stays.

Jeno feels a little dumb at first as he looks at the grave and talks to it. He’s afraid that Renjun will think that he’s crazy, but the other stays quiet, respecting Jeno and Donghyuck. Jeno tells him about Renjun and even introduces him. Renjun does laugh at that but Jeno knows he’s not mocking him.

“I’m happy, Hyuck,” he says finally, a smile on his face. “Renjun makes me happy.” 

The other boy hugs him tighter and after they have stood there a while longer, they go back to the car and drive back home. They change back into their pajamas and go to sleep. 

Just before Renjun falls asleep Jeno hugs him to his chest and thanks him. He kisses his head and mumbles a silent ‘I love you’ into his hair.

**Author's Note:**

> Please do leave a comment~


End file.
